Life right now

I have so many pictures and so many posts in "edit" mode...one day I might get to them. I had planned on posting a Mother's Day post about things I wish I could tell my mother, then our whole house got sick. Not easy on this pregnant Mama. And 2 days ago I received a call from my uncle about my grandmother.

My mom was her only daughter out of 7 and I am my moms only daughter.Grandma, my mom, and I had a connection and I get my stubbornness from both of them :) When my mom passed away 12 yrs ago, my grandma looked to me as "her daughter". I spent many, many summers with my grandparents in Florida. When my grandpa died a couple years ago and I went down, I was the one who could tell grandma what to do. "Sit down grandma , your doing too much" - "grandma, you need to eat breakfast, I made this for you and you are going to eat it". Her sons stayed at a hotel to spend time together and I (and my aunt) stayed with her to make sure she was ok. I enjoyed it!!!

Grandma was diagnosed with cancer (several places) over a year ago. She chose to have some treatments and was taken off of them when it was discovered that they were only making her sick, not helping. Last week she was in the hospital and when my uncle called, I was told that she is home on hospice care. She is at the very end of her life. I am sad, sad that I didn't call her more over the last year, sad that I didn't try harder to get down to see her. Life for us has been busy but that's not why. Money was a factor in flying down $500-$900 for a plane ticket (are you kidding me?). I didn't call because I didn't want to face loosing another "mom". It's hard and after dealing with both my parents and a set of grandparents dieing within year of each other, I have a hard time dealing with any death.  I could barely hold it together enough to talk with her for 5 minutes last night.

She will be brought back to Virginia (I think) for the funeral and I assume laid to rest next to my mother. We are hoping to travel down but who knows if we can work it out. It would be nice to see my brothers and the rest of the family. Right now I am just trying to process it all, to keep up with my responsibilities here at home and pray that she goes in peace!